Jefffest, HorrorQuest

There are not many words that have 3 fs next to each other. In fact, DonausSchifffahrerKapitan is the only one that immediately comes to mind. Well, other than Jefffest of course, which is probably my favorite triple consonant word.

How lucky is Jeff to not only be the coolest guy drink, but also to be borned on 'National Talk like a Pirate Day?' Yup, you got it, pretty cool. Thats why cool things happen to him.

Imagine(no really, imagine this is all happening to you. its kinda like a choose your own adventure book) that you were a cool guy drink and you were invited for cool guy drinks in santa monica with your cool guy drink roommates. When you get in your car to drive to predetermined cool guy drink place, there, in your backseat you find a gypsie reciting something about how your future has been stolen and if you want it back you'll have to listen to her prophecy. She was sent to help you out. The gypsie then recites a limerick -

You've a right to a jury of these, go under the one by the seas, you have only 2 hours, so use all your powers and take back the future they've seized.

so, you(are you still imagining?) go where? Don't read further until you figure it out! or your future will forever be gone.

Under the santa monica pier (nice job figuring it out) in the darkest corner, you meet a pirate with a rather odd accent. He sits you down and challenges you to the game mastered by all pirates, Perudo. Luckily, if you are Jeff, you just happen to know the game better than most, you win, he is banished to an eternity on the Flying Dutchman, but in return grabs your hand and gives you the black spot. You're a cursed man now and are told that your previously stolen future will now be lost to you forever at 9:19 this night and that the man who stole it lies at the next destination. Follow the clue -

At the corner of road named a French "tale" and a road with a Mormon school of learning lays a quiet place that values natural beauty. Through this terrestrial wonder water flows from pole to pole. Along this stream, toward the pole where penguins can be found, you will find a riddle master.

Where did you end up? UCLA botanical gardens? yup! then you are right on track to save your future. Go deep within, confront the cute lil' riddle master and solve this :

In marble walls as white as milk,
Lined with a skin as soft as silk,
Within a fountain crystal clear,
A golden apple doth appear.
No doors there are to this stronghold,
Yet thieves break in and steal the gold.

With some difficulty you finally figure out that the answer was an egg, but still wonder who in their life has ever eaten a marble egg. nevertheless, you have conquered and the riddle master gives you your next destination. Rhyme the lines and find out where to go :

Slow clown, a club day. Bat kill! sure hand, best learn Deaf, clue star begun!

a simple clue of course, but only because you have spent the last several years rhyming ever sentence(be it the speaker in church, your roommates chatting in your lounge or simply reading your law school books) that you encounter in any form. You think for a few seconds, then head to the subway station. Why you ask? Read the clue again and rhyme with it - Go down the subway at wilshire and western. jeff, your future __? ?___.

Down the neverending escalator you go, wondering and waiting for the next villian. "Good evening Mr Anderson," are the first words you hear as you step off. Agent Smith, master of the matrix, appears from behind a pillar. He challenges you to a rather uncustomary gentleman's duel. 5min to solve this crosword :


Quickly reacting to Agent Smith's onslaught of wit, you 'move like him' and prove that you are 'the one' by filling in 'three paces' for 4 across. Agent Smith is caught off guard, you run toward him and jump inside his body. He is shocked, shudders, then explodes, leaving you triumphant and flexing your 1s and 0s. Up the escalator you ascend, wondering what now awaits and looking stern that only 42 minutes remain until your future is gone forever.

"Why so serious?" a white-faced, purple clad clown asks as he falls in stride and then pulls you over to a nearby table. "How about a magic trick?" he spits as his tongue flashes in out of his mouth rapidly, "If you figure it out, I'll give you a clue. If you don't, i'll show you my disappearing pencil trick." He bests you in the first, you him in the second. It comes down to a tie-breaker game of War. A trick deck and the only time this Joker isn't one step ahead of his nemesis results in your victory. Upset, he hands you the clue -

From Dust to Dust, like Dante’s ascent, you must follow Virgil With the rise of the sun Gaylord leads you to battle à l'est you will land on the site of the greatest armada of history No parachutes are necessary for this southward invasion From France you have come to meet Lafayette’s mentor and Revolutionary idol He will lead you east to a Royal Admiral, who, eager to reach his knighthood, sails your vessel towards the setting sun Where a ruthless one who cannot be named awaits to check you just beyond the tilted X

You drive through the streets, puzzled by all the literary references and what in the clue, but you halt outside the stone wall of a Graveyard. Thereon lies a large 'X' and 2 cups. Rasputin and a cohort appear and allow you 1 question before you must drink. 1 of them always lies, the other always tells the truth. Which question do you ask?

Well, luckily you ask the right question (something about what cup the other guy would tell you to drink if you asked him) and are directed toward the right cup. Unfortunately, after you sip, Atom tells you that you actually drank the cup with poison in it and will soon die. Luckily, Atom, the one who always lies, was also lying about poison being in the cup and you are safe to proceed to...

Jeff Stephens, you are a marked man. Your future awaits where the day of circumcision and calvary's cross combine, ascend Garfield tower to heights where faith ceases and only fear resides.

Funny thing is, the 'v' in Calvary is often replaced with a 'g' in T9 predictive text, which made this clue a little harder. But eventually, with some phone calls and a hanger left out on the sidewalk, Jeff, gypsie emily and terrorist Wendy walk into the abandoned Garfield building in downtown LA. Its a cool building, mostly b/c its 12 stories high and the floors are dark and somethign was waiting on teh roof for Jeff.

Welp, Jeff makes it to the roof, sees no one, but hears a voice boom through the night sky.
"Do you fear death? Do you fear that dark abyss? Are your deeds lay bare? Are your sins punishable?"
"I do not fear death" Jeff shouts back. Again, the boom: "Have you come to retain your future then? Do you believe i have it? Do you know who I am?"
"You are none other than Davy Jones, famed captain of the Flying Dutchman!"
"You are mistaken." shouts a tall, half naked figure, chest adorned in 8 gold medals and head in a swim cap and goggles. "I am Michael Phelps and I AM THE SEA! And you will spend an eternity on this 'ship!"

Jeff laughed and then we went to Katie and Lynsey's house to eat a most excellent Mr Burns cake. Hapy birthday Jefff and congratulations dear reader for succesfully finishing the Horrorquest.